The Mall
by I Lost My Buh-Lance
Summary: Mordecai and Rigby travel to the mall. What kind of stupid and ridiculous things will they do and say?


_Author's Notes: This is my first Regular Show fic. It's also a oneshot. Please review and critique! Thank you! (I will disclaim all that I mention at the end.)_

**The Mall**

"Crap! This game cheats!"

Mordecai mashed the buttons on his Wii's Classic controller. He stared at the screen mindlessly, as he tried to avoid the skeletons, bats, and medusa heads trying to attack him. His tongue showed a bit of it's tip on the side of his beak, and he tilted the controller left and right, as if that would help

"Hurry up! Swing from the rings! Crouch and _then _whip the skeleton! _Crouch!" _

Rigby screamed out directions on how to attack and maneuver over the obstacles in the game. He flailed his paws around, barking out orders.

"Ok, you're at the boss now," said Rigby, pointing out the obvious. "Now all you gotta do is throw your sub-weapon at it, and then start whipping it like crazy."

"I know, dude! Chill!" replied Mordecai, not taking his eyes off the screen as the sinister music began playing and the boss, a giant, golden knight clutching a great axe and a shield, smashed out of it's glass case.

Mordecai leapt on top of a platform, and began devising his own technique. He would make his character leap up, and diagonally whip downward, hitting his adversary.

Rigby stared bug-eyed at the screen, as he observed Mordecai's game-playing skills. Before he knew it, the boss burst into flames, and the victory tune began playing.

"_Ohhhhhhhhhh!" _chimed Mordecai, raising his arms with his feathery fingers clenched into fists of pride.

Rigby stared at the screen, flabbergasted at how simply and easy it was to defeat this boss. Rigby had been on this boss for nearly two months, and Mordecai defeated it in about forty-three seconds.

"How…how did you…"

"Eh, too easy," said Mordecai, stretching and placing the classic controller on the floor, "Now I'm bored."

He stood up, raised his arms in a large stretch, and he said, "Got any ideas about we should do today, dude?"

Rigby was still staring at the screen, still amazed at his friend's achievements.

"Dude? _Dude? _Rigby!"

"Huh? Wha-what?"

Rigby looked left to right, as if he had been asleep.

"Dude, I'm bored and hungry now. Let's go to the mall to, like, get some free food from those ladies who hand out free samples and make fun of people behind their backs."

Rigby sighed and nodded his head, "Ok."

**Twenty minutes later…**

"Dude, did you see that old ugly fat lady?" snickered Rigby, as they approached the entrance to their local mall. "she was wearing a Slipknot T-shirt. What kind of old person listens to that stuff?"

The two guys giggled as they walked their way through the doors and into the elaborate retail store.

They sold various products and merchandise, like clothing, jewelry, furniture, stuffed animals, footwear, women's cosmetics, bedding, and decorations for the current holiday seasons, whether they be Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, or Easter.

The store itself was very neat. It had Christmas trees dotted around the place with Christmas Ornaments covered in sparkles, with light blue and silver tinsel sparkling in the light, and small red, yellow, green, and orange Christmas lights dotted the tree in between their branches.

Mordecai's eyes shifted over to the lady working at the watch area. Dozens of watches were lined up in rows, with various colors and designs, from digital watches to mechanical watches. Some were silver and gold mixed in with diamonds, while the digital watches had more sporty colors, like red, white, blue, and green.

"Hey dude," said the Blue Jay, elbowing Rigby in the ribs, "let's go look at the watches."

The two strode over to the watches and stopped and peered down into the glass, observing the hands ticking on the watches.

The lady approached them and politely asked, "Hello, gentlemen. How can I help you?"

Neither Rigby nor Mordecai answered her. They simply stayed gazing at the watches through the glass with their paws and feathers pressing against it. The woman just stared at them, patiently waiting for a response.

The woman's polite smile slowly turned into a frown after a few seconds, so she asked again, "May I _help _you, gentlemen?"

"_HEY!" _

Rigby shoot a pointed finger at the woman, who flinched at the sudden movement and cry.

Rigby squinted his eyes in suspicion, and he replied, "You're trying to swindle people, lady! These watches are giving us the wrong time!"

He leapt on top of the glass, grabbed the back of her head to make sure she was staring down at the glass, and explained, "See? Those watches say '2:37' PM, when it's actually _'3:22' PM!_"

Rigby let go out of her head, and she stared at him, her eyes wide and her mouth dropped open. The raccoon crossed his arms and glared at her.

Mordecai picked him up and placed him on the floor.

"Dude, don't be stupid," scolded Mordecai, pointing at him. "You can adjust the time when you buy it."

He then turned back to the saleslady and said, "Uh, heh-heh, sorry about that."

"Oh, um…" replied the saleswoman, pushing some of her hair behind her ear, "It's…quite alright." She sounded a bit confused, however.

"But, anyway, you gotta tell me at least," began Mordecai, scratching underneath his beak, "how do you make all these watches so fast? Do you, like, ever get to sleep? Do you have, like, a machine? Or are you just that fast?"

The lady was now even more baffled. Were they joking? They must have been. She was about to open her mouth in reply, when Mordecai began asking even more questions.

"Do a bunch of watch-making gnomes make them for you? Do you work for Santa or something?"

"Sir, I…"

"How many lunch breaks do you get in a day?"

"…sir?"

"If I had the money, could I buy all these watches at the same time?"

"…I…"

"How come _you're _not wearing a watch?"

"_SIR!"_

"…yeah?"

By the now, the woman had bags underneath her eyes and her was prepared to rip her hair out of their follicles.

However, knowing her business-etiquette, she retained her politeness and repeated asked once more, "Would you…like to purchase a watch?"

Mordecai just stared at her blankly for a moment. He stared down at the watches again, and then he looked back at her. He replied, "No thanks, I don't have any money."

Then they both turned and walked away. As they did, the lady eyes rolled to the back of her head, and she fainted.

**Arts & Crafts store**

The two guys went up the escalator, with various people on it. They just stood there, looking down as shoppers walked by.

Mordecai snickered and said, "Hey dude. Look at _that_ weirdo."

An old man with a gargantuan nose, styling a white afro, wearing a black T-shirt saying, "World's Coolest Granddad" in white text, along with blue basketball shorts and socks with sandals.

Rigby clamped his paws around his mouth and giggled uncontrollably. Mordecai did the same, and this attracted angry stares from the neighboring people.

When they got to the top, Mordecai whispered to Rigby, "I'd sure hate to be the grandson of that loser." Rigby nodded his head and laughed with his paws on his belly.

The old man walked passed them, stopped and then turned to Mordecai.

"Mordecai?"

Mordecai grew a horrified expression, and replied, "_Grandpa?"_

Mordecai and Rigby stood in front of a store entrance and they both stared up at it's name.

"Hmmmm…" said Rigby, reading it, "'_Farts and Craps', _huh? Sounds gross." Mordecai shook his head disdainfully. "No, dude…_dude_, no. It says, '_Arts and Crafts'…_I think."

"_Ew_, that's even _more_ gross!"

They peered inside, and saw paintings everywhere, and a few small crafts of Christmas tree. But that was it. It did not live up to it's title.

They stepped inside and began staring at the paintings.

The Blue Jay stared at one painting of a small wooden cabin in a snowy environment, with fur trees surrounding it, and a spiraling tail of smoke coming out of the chimney.

Mordecai scratched his head, eyeing it carefully. He tilted his head to get another view of it, and then tilted it back the other way. He then smiled and said, "whoever lives in that wooden house must _really _hate being warm and snug. I mean, what, do people actually think you'll be _warm and cozy _in those things?"

Rigby, however, stared at a portrait of Odin, by George von Rosen. He scratched his head and uttered, "That old guy needs to shave that chin-hair. I mean, Santa Claus would be pissed if he saw that dude trying to look like him."

Rigby turned and said, "Mordecai, Mordecai, come here!"

"What, dude?" asked Mordecai, approaching his friend.

"Look at this guy."

"Yeah, so?" he replied, staring at Odin.

"Doesn't he look like he's ripping off of Santa's wardrobe? I mean, Santa's got the white beard trademarked."

"I…guess…"

"Yeah, and Santa could totally thrash this guy with that big magic sack and those awesome _kamehamehas_ he shoots, right?"

Mordecai put his hands on his beak and said, "I dunno, dude. That guy has a wooden stick in his hand. Don't underestimate the power of the wooden stick, dude."

The thing selling portraits and frames was a lazy looking goat, reading a book called, '_Polybius urban legend for dummies', _and he wore a nametag saying,

**Hello,**

**My name is Billy.**

Mordecai and Rigby approached him, and the goat lowered his book, and he stared at them with eyes half-closed and a bored expression.

"Welcome to _Arts and Crafts, _how may I help you?" His voice was as dry as his expression.

"Yeah," chimed in Rigby, "Santa could beat that guy in the painting over there."

Still retaining that bored expression, Billy raised his eyebrow and blinked.

"Dude," interrupted Mordecai, "did you paint all of this stuff?"

Billy put his book down, and explained, "Uh, no. I just…"

Rigby jumped in before he could finish his statement. "Do you take requests?"

"Uh…" began Billy, raising his hooves to give a sign to Rigby to calm down, "No, I just—"

"Could you paint a picture from the first issue of Superman where he's, like, lifting up that car, and all those people are, like, screaming and stuff?"

"Uh, no…I'm _not_ an artist. I just sell these-"

Mordecai began to chime in as well.

"How do you hold your brush with those hooves?"

Billy began raising his voice, trying to talk over them, "Hey guys! I don't paint or anything. I'm tellin' ya, I just—"

"What about video game covers? Do you paint anything like that?"

Billy finally lost his temper, and he began hollering at them with bulging, purple veins around his neck. "_No! All I'm doing here is selling these stupid painted pieces of crap to support my wife! I don't paint, I don't like comic books, and I don't play video games! Is that enough for ya! Do you want a painting or not?"_

Mordecai stared at him for a moment, and then he held up a picture of a green pear with a mouth in a valley-like setting, and it said in large, bold, white text;

"**LOL WUT".**

The two slackers stared at him blankly (like they do every sales-person), and then they turned to each other.

Rigby squinted his eyes suspiciously, and he turned to Rigby, and whispered, "Know what, Mordecai? I'm starting to get the feeling that this guy may not be an artist at _all!"_

"Yeah dude," replied Mordecai, squinting his eyes and whispering as well. "This guy sounds more like a _con-artist _than a _real _artist!"

The two gentlemen turned to Mr. Billy and Rigby said, "We think you're just a big, fat faker! You just sell this stuff, you don't actually _work _on them. We're _leaving!"_

"Hmph-hmph!" added the blue-jay, crossing his arms and nodding his head with the "hmphs".

They both whirled around and strode away with their nose and beaks into the air, thinking themselves far too proud and better to spend their time here.

As they walked out of the store, Billy quivered with rage and his eyes were wide and bloodshot. He stared down at his book, and he began ripping out random pages and stuffing into his mouth, driven to madness because of the two.

**The Apple Store**

"_Whoooaaaa…" _Exclaimed the Raccoon, as they walked into the Apple store, staring at the Macintoshes iphones, and ipods that surrounded them. "Technology is _awesome!"_

Various nerdy employees explained about Bluetooth and Wi-Fi connections to newcomers into the world of computers.

Mordecai and Rigby approached a long, rectangular table filled with functional iPads. They looked at it amazed, and put their paws and fingers onto the screen, and the screen brightened up.

It was already on "apple dot come", but Rigby and Mordecai weren't interested in purchasing it just yet, so instead, Rigby moved the mouse with his index finger (paw), and clicked the Google search engine on the upper right-hand corner of the screen, he typed in "YouTube", and a variety of links appeared on screen. He clicked on the first one, and the all-too-familiar red television with the "Tube" written inside of it and the "You" in black, bold letters above it appeared with a search box next to it.

He smirked, and he opened up the virtual keyboard and he began typing in "Tough Guys Don't Dance". He pressed enter, and the multiple downloaded videos appeared. The first one that appeared on the list was what the one he wanted, so he clicked on it, and the video began loading.

He cackled as he rubbed his paws together. The music began playing and it showed Ryan O'Neal trotting his way down the beach to read that pointless letter that would make him utter his famous line.

When the music got sinister, he began exclaiming, " Oh man…Oh God, oh man, oh God, oh man, oh God, oh man!" with the camera spinning in circles and picking up speed.

Rigby began cracking up, and Mordecai stared at his Ipad's screen. When he heard the lines, he began guffawing as well. This created a lot of unwanted glares from the people.

All of this humor gave Mordecai an idea, however.

"Dude," said Mordecai, in between laughs, "I just got a great idea!"

Before Rigby could interrogate on what it was, the blue jay was already at one of the newest models of a Macintosh. He opened up Safari and began typing in "YouTube" in the URL box. When the webpage appeared, he began typing the video he wanted into the search box.

"Lemme see! Lemme!" cried Rigby, leaping up to see the screen. When he saw what video popped up, he realized Mordecai's joke, and they both began laughing heartily. They both turned and walked away, imagining their poor victim's face when they witness the prank.

Minutes later, a teenager approached the Macintosh, and when he jiggled the mouse, the screen appeared, but a video that went viral years ago began playing.

A certain man with ginger-red hair slicked backwards and a distinct, deep voice began singing a catchy song.

It went a bit like this;

"_We're no strangers to looooooooove_

_You know the rules, and so do I…"_

The teenager arched his eyebrow as he heard the man sing,

"_Never gonna give you up_

_Never gonna let you down!"_

"Ok, dude, remember: Pretend like you're actually interested in buying some food, but you change your mind at the last minute…"

"Right."

Mordecai and Rigby came strolling across the shopping mall food court, gazing at the patrons and the people giving out free samples. It smelled delicious.

They approached a small, smiling Asian woman handing out free orange chicken. She saw the two, and she reached for a toothpick, stuck it into a piece of meat, and she said, with a thick Chinese accent, "Free sampo'?"

Mordecai turned to her, pretending to be surprised by her act of kindness, "Oh, why _thank_ you ma'am." He took it from her, and ate it as quickly as he could.

She stared down at Rigby, grinned politely once more, and said, "Free sampo'?"

"Ha ha, yeah," replied Rigby, licking his lips hungrily with drool coming out of his mouth. He didn't reach for the sample on the tooth pick, he grabbed the whole plate and tossed all the pieces of chicken into his mouth.

Mordecai saw this.

"Dude!" He bellowed. When he screamed this, the piece of chicken, now mush, went flying out of his mouth and splattered all over the lady's face.

Mordecai and Rigby both stared at her, with her eye twitching and a vain throbbing on her forehead.

They both stared at each other, and they looked at her.

"Uhhh…" began Mordecai, backing away with his arms raised in front of him, "Ok, we'll just move on…"

The next restaurant was very similar, but with a few different meal arrangements. However, as before, there was still a lady handing out free chicken.

Mordecai and Rigby and both, once again, pretended to be observing the menu when the woman handed them the free chicken.

They did the same to the next restaurant, and the one after that, and the after that as well.

Finally, when they were done, they had nearly gotten an entire meal for free.

As they exited the mall, Rigby said, "Oh man, what a great idea, Mordecai."

"Yeah," said Mordecai, belching as they walked across the parking lot, "Too bad they don't give out free sample _meals."_

Rigby nodded and smiled. "Hmph-hmph."

But then Rigby asked a question to Mordecai. 

"Hey Dude…did you think maybe that guy in the art store was just _selling _those paintings?"

They both stopped in their tracks, and pondered that for a moment. But then, in unison, both replied, "_Nah."_

And then they both turned towards the sunset, and walked home….

_Author's Notes: This is a story I did after watching a really funny episode of Regular Show. The show's hilarious, and I love the character personalities. I disclaim the things I mentioned, like Apple, and the internet memes, like LOLWUT pear, the "Tough Guys Don't Dance" scene, Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up", etc. The video game Mordecai was playing at the beginning was Super Castlevania IV, and I disclaim that as well. Oh, and I also disclaim Regular Show. Please Review, thank you!_


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